Light-hearted Insights

Toilet Paper Token Wipe Paper

🧻 A roll call for all true believers!

DISCLAIMER: This article and its contents are an April Fool’s joke, the Toilet Paper Token does not exist.

An Introduction to Toilet Paper

The evolution of modern day toilet paper has come a long way. Before the invention of the double, triple-ply squares, human civilizations used a wide range of objects that could be sharp and even dangerous to their anatomy. Throughout the years, rocks, corn cobs and pieces of wood were utilized, while softer solutions, like communal sponges were used by the ancient Romans. The wealthy preferred fabrics like wool or lace that posed less of a threat to the body’s vulnerable parts.

The modern-day concept of toilet paper was conceived in China in the 6th century. When paper became mass produced, newspapers were widely distributed and reused as toilet paper. Commercial toilet paper made a splash on the scene in 1857. Marketed as a medical product that prevented hemorrhoids, they were priced at a modern equivalent of $12 for 500 sheets.

Although modern industrialization has been able to successfully produce toilet paper for decades, the alarms sounded by the COVID-19 pandemic have made toilet paper a commodity of extremely high demand — so high, in fact, that it was out of stock in stores worldwide and caused societal unrest among customers. In November 2019, toilet paper consumption was at about 10 billion rolls per month worldwide, with an average of two rolls purchased per month for personal use. Due to corona, rates have increased by one roll per person on average (monthly), with quarantine and stay at home notices by the government that subsequently have forced citizens to purchase more toilet paper for home use. By late February 2020, roll usage skyrocketed to 15 billion rolls globally.

Why Tokenize Toilet Paper as a Digital Asset?

Toilet PaperToken: 3 Utilities

TPT utilizes “smut contracts” to keep track of the total number of rolls that users (hereafter referred to as wipers) have purchased, and also maintains a record of how many rolls you are guaranteed. With TPT, users can purchase toilet paper online to avoid increased exposure to ‘Rona and take advantage of the Ply Count algorithm that calculates how much toilet paper each household is entitled to receive.

The implication of this system is no more hoarding or grocery store fights for the last set of rolls. Should stores run out of stock, TPT holders will be the first customers to be notified of restocking the preferred customers to receive supplies.

Holding TPT ensures wiper integrity and the fair distribution of toilet paper worldwide, which ultimately contributes to TPT’s mission: saving humanity from regressing downwards to the first two levels of Maslow’s needs hierarchy. Our dignified roll is to maintain our position at our rarefied spot at the “turd level,” where love and belonging abounds.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

TPT Airplop

In order to buy TPT, interested wipers must register and take the Ply Count Quiz, which will determine the amount of TPT they are entitled to purchase through the use of the Ply Count algorithm. The quiz questions will range from the number of members of your household to the existence of preexisting gastrointestinal issues.

Once you get your allocation of TPT, you can redeem the tokens for toilet paper. When you have used all of your tokens, our patented Ply Count algorithm will allocate the amount of tokens you are able to purchase to restock.

TPT Initial Scattering Offering

Token Tissuance

1 TPT = USD $1.64

Market crap: $85,583,000,000

Total supply: 8 billion

Scattering supply: Dynamically issued in response to changing levels of demand (out of stock)

Volume: 41,758,500,000

Buying TPT

The Toilet Paper Token will go on sale April 1st, 2020 on Shitake Exchange. All wipers must take the Ply Count quiz, which mathematically determines the correct number of TPT that wipers can purchase on a monthly basis.

Once tokens are sent to the company, they are burned to prevent companies from holding large amounts of TPT and gaining a monopoly on the TPT supply.

Redeeming TPT

There will be a lock-up period for private investors for a period of five minutes. Holders of TPT token will receive their toilet paper as a delivery. If quarantine controls in your state or country allow freedom of movement, holders can also redeem their tokens for toilet rolls at participating stores.

Corn-sensus Algorithm

Toilet Paper Token leverages multi-blockchains to buttress its data fidelity. 

Our Know-Your-Colon (KYC) process works with our bog-standard proof-of-wipe chain, facilitating each user’s KYC check that they are able to wipe by themselves, as users that don’t fall into this category are unable to participate in the token sale. Our research has shown that the early age of entry is 3-years-old. 

The KYC will also entail the installation of an intravenous IoT plug-in as a suppository to monitor the fibre content in one’s stomach, which will then feed data into the TPT smut contract to ensure that tokens are minted dynamically according to the needs of the general populace.

TPT’s proof-of-ply blockchain will ensure the immutability of the ply count of the toilet paper rolls that have been purchased with ToiletPaperTokens. The proof-of-ply blockchain is connected to the patented Ply Count algorithm, recording how many tokens have used, and thus how many rolls you have left.

Proof-of-flush keeps track of how many toilet paper rolls each TPT wiper has used in order to prevent going over the allotted quota. This will be functionally similar to how some projects burn or destroy tokens.

Meet the Team!

Mary Ploppins

Mary Ploppins used to ply her trade in the paper towel industry before she discovered the possibilities of working directly in toilet paper. With a master’s degree in textile design, she utilized her creative background and long experience in paper products to come up with a unique solution to the toilet paper crisis that rocked the world during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Peter Peuop
Rick Roller

Peter Peuop comes to TPT after toiling his trade as an account manager and support representative for several years at an ecologically-friendly composting startup. Eager to enter the crypto field, Peuop also worked in traditional finance at a custodian bank in the early 2000s. He now spends most of his days rick-rolling unsuspecting victims.

John Splashington
Backend engineer

John Splashington got his start in toilet paper from a young age, pioneering the innovative idea to have the toilet roll face out, instead of in, making it easier to grab onto. He’s also known for being a real hardliner if he catches someone not replacing the toilet roll and leaving just an almost empty roll with a little bit of toilet paper hanging on that is useless for the next person who needs to go.

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